Saturday, September 03, 2005

The Bureau of Madeup Statistics

I have decided to set up the Bureau of Madeup Statistics.

Any time you wish to back up some spurious claim or make it look as though there is some factual basis for your prejudice, just contact me, pay the fee, and I will give you a statistic that you can quote in good faith, knowing that while any accuracy is purely coincidental, it has come from a reliable official source.

In fact 82% of our statistics are 31% accurate. 24% of our statistics look accurate if you squint a bit, and 93% of them would be accurate in an ideal world if you are trying to get people to like what you are saying, or in a post-appocolyptic hell if you want to scare them.

The fee will be $5 per statistic unless you work for the government, in which case it will be $50,000. Or you can join our "Statistic of the month club" and by simply filling out this direct debit form that allows me to take whatever money I feel like directly from your bank account you will get a shiny new statistic every month for the next three million years.

How many teenagers in western society are obese from eating nothing but fast food and cake? 72%. What is the percentage of people having sex under the legal age? 64%. How come fat kids are getting so much sex? I couldn't tell you, I just do statistics.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

How come fat kids are getting so much sex? They must know Herbie's secret.

Either that, or they are all overweight so they aren't aware they're fat.